WikiHow How To Hire A Bodybuard

WikiHow try – and fail – to normalise hiring a bodyguard

If you’re looking for a fix of absolutely useless information, WikiHow is your dream destination. In essence, WikiHow is Wikipedia but for people who want the utterly false facts being put into action via a step-by-step guide that even the dullest person could understand.

Guides from WikiHow have covered so many topics that there have been a large percentage of peculiar editions. However, the latest has reached levels of previously unforeseen ridiculousness.

Violence and threat, brought to you by WikiHow

More often than not, WikiHow articles are dominated by guides on how to paint a wall without making a mess of the surrounding area, how to cook the perfect loaf, and how to cut your hedge into the shape of your favourite star sign.

However, they’ve either ran out of ideas or the person in charge of content has completely lost their mind, as the latest instalment has taken a passive and unnervingly relaxed approach to hiring a bodyguard.

Entering the surprisingly welcoming world of body-guarding

Following a brief but admittedly frank opening where the reader is directed to bodyguard hiring in cases of being stuck in a ‘dangerous situation’ or being targeted by ‘undesirable people’, the article only goes from bad to worse.

Deciding on whether you need an armed bodyguard and taking your budgeting seriously is something that can’t be stressed enough by the writer of the article. It could ‘set you back from $200 to over $900 a day’, says the writer without a single ounce of humanity.

Of course, you’re expected to ‘use your salary as a guide’! It’s as if you’ve ran out of your office job at lunchtime, grabbed the pistol out of the boot of your car for protection, and you’re now nervously cowering in the toilets waiting for an attack from the hitman hired to kill you.

Not only is the piece written in the most casual of ways for something as serious as hiring a bodyguard, but facts that the reader is certain to be unaware of are put forward as if they should already be fully aware of them.

a woman considering her bodyguard options WikiHow
How else would you pay your bodyguard than in wads of cash?

Normalising the abnormal

Subjects around the topic of body-guarding should be recognised as being against the grain of daily life. This could be guns, violence, kidnapping etc. Unfortunately, ‘How to Hire a Bodyguard‘ completely ignores that concept, instead putting them front and centre, and assuming that the reader would accept it without question.

It was certainly worth a try, but when you’re presented with a picture of two cartoon men smiling, and one is holding a gun, it’s hard to take anything other than concern from that. The imagery from this piece consisted of eighteen extremely unnerving – potentially even offensive – cartoons, which were obviously create bespoke to the piece.

Rather than attempting to explain the piece on words alone, it made sense to show a selection of the pictures. People say that a picture speaks a thousand words. Never has that been truer than with these creepy images.

close protection officers looking casual WikiHow
There they are. Your bodyguards. One smiling close to the camera, the other smirking holding his gun. Wait. His what?!

Additional text only complicates things even more

In an attempt to offer clarity over the points being made with the images, the creator of this piece has decided to add captions of text.

Whether it’s adding ‘Professional guard agency – contact us’ to a poorly designed laptop, a book devoted to ‘bodyguard licensing requirements’, the ‘security worker licence’ for the awkwardly named ‘Jack Danangs’, a folder labelled ‘past experience’ held by a woman who looks intoxicated,  two people sharing the same thought of a badge titled ‘international bodyguard association’, an oversized pencil writing the words ’employment contract’, or the image below, which shows an empty biography of someone you’re supposedly trusting to keep you safe from imminent danger, you’ll be surprised to hear that none of these captions helped to put your mind at ease.

close protection officer biography
It appears that the bodyguard the person is looking to work with has no past, making them a perfect candidate to trust with your life.

For the love of god, DO NOT follow any of these steps

I would be concerned if it took until this message – and not the clearly appalling instructions – to put you off from following this guide, but it can’t be stressed enough how dangerous information such as this can be.

The only thing more concerning than the fact that most of the steps are based around being forced into finding, interviewing and contracting the bodyguard yourself, is whatever in god’s anus the images are hinting at. It’s difficult to know for sure, but each of them appear to have their own little stories behind them, and none of these stories should ever be explained to anyone.

If nothing will get through to you on ignoring ‘how to’ guides such as this one, look at the below image before making your final decision. It shows a gormless person imagining how wonderful it would be to make awkward small talk with her bodyguard. This image – along with the one used for the featured image on this post which shows a discussion about a revolver – sums up how much a service required for severe situations has been made to look menial. It could also be a reflection of 21st century America, where talking about hiring a bodyguard or buying a gun as an alternative method of protection is a perfectly calculated decision to make, or at least one you’ll need to consider making.

a woman falling in love with her bodyguard
When she’s thinking about hiring a bodyguard, what does her expression imply? excitement? anticipation? relief? arousal?

Although this is the first WikiHow piece we’ve covered on Unbearable Geoff, based on the level to which it’s left us speechless, it could be the first of many we review. If you want to make your own observations on the piece or if you’ve found a similar article that you’d like us to review, either email Geoff at or comment below.

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