In the dawn of time, dinosaurs ruled the land, and in 1993, Steven Spielberg brought them back to Earth through the medium of film via Jurassic Park, where the show was stolen by performances from lovable weirdo Jeff Goldblum and eccentric pensioner Richard Attenborough.
It was also a cornerstone in the memories of a lot of millennial’s minds, but as we skip ahead to the release of Jurassic World 3 in June 2021, we see that the Jurassic Park saga has fallen foul to the current trend of repeatedly releasing inferior sequels until the latest edition is unrecognisable from the first.
An unquestionably worsening Jurassic Park trilogy, but why stop there?
It’s unsurprisingly the case that most film sagas only worsen the further along they go.
The Lost World: Jurassic Park wasn’t appalling for a 90s sequel to a film that punched so high in the first attempt, but despite being titled in the wrong order, it was far from the end of Steven Spielberg’s tale, with Jurassic Park 3 coming out another four years late, making it that all three films had a four-year gap between them.
The third film wasn’t directed by Steven Spielberg, instead replaced by Joe Johnston, which – despite being released in 2001 – was an extremely 90s thing to do after he directed Honey, I Shrunk The Kids and Jumanji.
A staple in the minds of those who grew up in the 90s will remember many of the notable quotes from the original Jurassic Park, such as: “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should”, “God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs”, “Yes, but if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists”, and of course, the famous: “If there is one thing the history of evolution has taught us it’s that life will not be contained. Life breaks free, it expands to new territories and crashes through barriers, painfully, maybe even dangerously, but, uh… well, there it is.” Before finishing with the iconic: “No. I’m, I’m simply saying that life, uh… finds a way.”
Memorable quotes from the film worked on several levels, hinting at a more advanced development of Earth after scrapping the concept of religion, adding an ounce of smoke and mirrors to the film’s philosophy, and most importantly, touching upon the real-life issue of morally bankrupt humans who market things for entertainment and money without realising how unethical doing so might be. Coincidentally, that final point rings true to the inception of Jurassic World in 2015.
How do you make a generic 21st century film? Introduce ‘ow, that’s gotta’ hurt’ humour, Chris Pratt, and remove all substance
Coming from someone who adored Chris Pratt in Parks and Recreation and was literally punching the air when it was announced that he would play hapless intergalactic superhero Star-Lord in James Gunn’s Guardians of the Galaxy, it pains me to admit how horrendously frustrating Chris Pratt has become.
It was always guaranteed that Chris Pratt would suddenly start appearing in almost every film like a part-time Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson – who is superior to all sell-outs by starring in literally every single film in the universe – but the former Parks and Rec star has admittedly become insufferable.
His easily forgettable performance in Jurassic World was, well, hard to remember, as was everyone else in that film. It turns out likeable co-stars Vincent D’Onofrio, Jake Johnson, Lauren Lapkus and Andy Buckley – i.e David Wallace from The US Office – also featured alongside him, but the whole film was far from as original as the first, the second, or even – I’d go as far as saying – the third. Pratt would be easier to forgive after Jurassic World if he didn’t promote Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom in the way he did, proving himself to be the worst type of modern American, as well as a bit of a weirdo in general.
During an acceptance speech for an influential prize at the 2018 Teen Choice Awards, Pratt hailed: “I’m so thrilled to be here. I want to thank God. I always do that when I’m up on a big platform in front of a bunch of young faces. I say: “I love God!” That’s my thing – I love him, and you should too!” Too many Americans are obsessed with God and religion as a whole – completely ignoring that we’re no longer in the dark ages – but to direct children towards believing in a god and devoting their lives to it at a jovial awards ceremony for children is totally unacceptable and nothing short of creepy.
Jurassic Park to Jurassic World to Jurassic Universe
Master of all film reviews, the Internet Movie Database, handed a 7.0 rating to Jurassic World. This was fairly generous, but the barely sustainable standard of the fourth instalment of the saga came nowhere near in the second, with Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom only getting a measly 6.2.
The repetitive nature of dinosaurs being bred, put into the park, escaping, and eventually being either evaded or killed by the surviving humans was interesting for three films, but stretching it out to five films with the promise of more is getting ridiculous, and a variety of film rating websites are only depicting it to get worse as we go along.
Marketing around this so-called saga has now reached a point where all of the original cast are being dragged back into the next instalment just to keep any remaining fans sweet, and it’s an extremely forced move by its producers to say the least. The grand finale of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom was more laughable than it was astounding, as the dinosaurs were released into the wild by accident, hinting at a world where dinosaurs roam free and we’re all just fine with it. Not only that, but it promised at least one more film, implying the start of a brand new saga based around this concept, to which surely even wide-eyed children in cinemas were left uninspired.
Jeff Goldblum returned briefly in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, and it seems that Sam Neill and Laura Dern will also be stupid enough – or deluded enough – to do the same for the third Jurassic World, where Chris Pratt saves all of the instantly forgettable side characters from the dinosaurs again. Oh, and by the way, where all of the dinosaurs are created by god rather than by scientists to appease Chris “aptly named” Pratt.
All in all, Richard Attenborough is the fortunate one through being saved from this purgatory by the guaranteed restraint of death; something many of us were envious of him for upon finishing watching Jurassic World: Fallen Kindgom.